WAKING up on the wrong side of the bed is something that happens to all of us. But if there’s a meeting to attend, we’ll usually grit our teeth and show.

Other times, we try to get out of it. Be it calling in sick or faking amnesia, the things people say to bail on meetings can be quite street-smart. Today, we’re ranking 9 of the craziest suggestions from the Internet. We advise not consuming a beverage while reading beyond this point — we can’t guarantee you won’t choke your pipes.

Disclaimer: In no way are we condoning the art of such finessé. But hey, if we think it’s creative, we’ll say it like we mean it, so come see the greatest ‘smokes’ of all time. Don’t worry, we’ll ease you into it.

9. You can’t find your car keys


Today’s meeting place is way too far to take the bus and finding your keys have to be your number one priority. Then, you dream of the perfect crime.

You do the whole pat-down motion you see at airport security. At the expense of your personal space you invite your best friend to pat you down too. Certainly it’s too intimate for anyone, but what choice will your bestie have other than to let it go?

8. You’re getting deported


Remember to get yourself a lawyer; don’t answer why you didn’t declare your immigration status.

Of course you’re kidding. Don’t actually get yourself arrested — you’re desperate, not senseless.

Rather, take a trip, get out of the country and go to places you’ve always wanted to check out; just say you’re busy (busy with having a good time, that is). Leave the calls and emails to your secretary, a.k.a your voicemail. Any follow-up on appointments will require ten working days in advance, at least.

7. Calling in sick, level one


A 99% fail-safe method, but not if you have a strict boss breathing down your neck. You told Margaret from HR you didn’t get an MC because there were leftover prescriptions from your medicine cabinet but really, calling in sick doesn’t mean you’re actually ill now, does it?

6. Say that you’ve got bronchitis


“I don’t know how I got it,” you sob over the phone, “NEA says that the PSI levels are so crazy, my lungs can never stand a chance at this point!”

When in doubt, citing government sources can push your luck even further. Hopefuls will wish to smoke their way out of a meeting with this one.

5. Calling in sick, level two: Triggering that bronchitis


Maybe Margaret is tired of the stories because you’re a pathological liar or just a really bad one, so there’s only one way to make her buy it.

You were on your way to work in a carpool when you realised the AC wasn’t on — you’re not going to make it after inhaling all the fumes coming inwards from that exhaust. You make sure to taper off on the phone, so she knows you’re fainting.

To say you’re getting admitted to emergency sure sounds desperate but chances are, your boss will get off your case. Just pray hard she doesn’t ask which hospital it is.

4(a). Your pussy’s poop is way off schedule


Calling in sick doesn’t work for everyone. You also know for a fact that sick, yet adorable animals get more sympathy points. Poor kitty must be having an irregular poop schedule — why else will she be ignoring you? Also, you have never seen your cat tear up like that.

Be sure to ask the vet for a dire diagnosis warranting at least two days off for any responsible pet oner.

4(b). You’ve got no pussy anymore


It’s your cat’s turn to bail on you; she’s been gone all morning. Whoever doesn’t give two hoots about your cat has a serious case of ailurophobia – you get off scot-free, and lure the kitty back with a double helping of chow on the window ledge.

3. “It’s a serious domestic, so don’t ask.”


No one would be outrageous enough to use family for something as trivial as this; no one but you, of course. You say it’s a family emergency — it’s extremely personal so no, you can’t elaborate. Maybe you’ll shed a tear or two to prove your sincerity, but there’s really no Oscar for that.

2. Stupid monkey stole your car parts


Monkeys are smart — smart enough to steal your hubcaps, apparently. You didn’t know Boots from Dora the Explorer actually exists, but what you also haven’t heard is that Boots went rogue. This, is the call of the wild — you know better than to question why now, of all times.

“I swear I was really on the way … You don’t happen to know how to change a flat tyre, do you?”

Fact: Only two in five drivers know how to change one.

1. No – really, you just don’t give a shit


You hate lying, so call a spade a spade — you really don’t care that much. With your type-A personality, you prefer succinct, straight-to-the-point statements to a pointless wild goose chase.

With such a candid confrontation, it will either be greatly appreciated or bring you into an ugly altercation. Regardless, honesty is arguably the best policy, so why not use it?

written by.
Elvin Ng
Elvin is a writer dabbling in the fashion, travel and culture beats. When he isn’t blogging about his latest adventures, he’s most definitely hunting down the latest and biggest sales in online shopping.

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